Canadian Royalty Exposes Herself

Queen Crowns Herself

Friends – This week I’m excited to tell you about my next step in life. I’ve discovered my ancestry is not of this world – but lies in a far-away galaxy. My spirit first arrived on Planet Earth as a simple blogger, and now – wait for this – I’m Queen Laurentis (as America was known before plate tectonics did its job of splitting continents). The mandate from my home Planet of Bumhug is to free my subjects (meaning you) from the shackles of a life held down by gravity and responsibility. I hereby decree you will no longer have to work for a living or worry about paying bills. Your social and civic obligations from this day forth are canceled. Trust me – for if you can’t trust me, who on Earth can you trust? (This is a trick question.)

Being reasonable people, you may assume I’m joking with you, and such a fantastical story would fool no one. Alas, if only that were true.

Self-acclaimed Queen Romana Didulo currently has about 70,000 followers – online and those who travel with her across Canada in a caravan of RV’s paid for by donors. She is an adherent of Q-Anon, born in the Philippines, who rose to prominence when “Q” briefly disappeared from the radar to run (unsuccessfully) for a congressional seat. And Didulo dropped in to fill the void.

Her message to subjects is liberating. They are freed from paying their mortgage or rent or utility bills, she proclaimed. The Queen’s subjects rejoice and obey. Banks and power companies in Canada, however, did not honor the memo (she’s sent royal decrees to agencies throughout her perceived dominion). Many of Didulo’s subjects lost their homes to foreclosures and languished in the cold and dark as power companies pulled the plug. Didulo further expressed her power by commanding her followers to “Kill anyone attempting to vaccinate children.” 

Didulo, a middle-aged woman with a shrouded history, has more stunning claims, including:

• She can render herself invisible

• She has ‘alien’ superpowers

• Her ‘Arcturian’ origins imbue her with the power to regrow her limbs

• She is a shape-shifter  and immortal

• She says Queen Elizabeth II was executed

• Declares she was sent to Earth by Arcturians to  mediate between Russia, the U.S., and Ukraine

From our perch as reasonable Earthlings, these claims appear unbelievable. But they are only an extension of a dynamic familiar in other cultures – such as Q’Anon’s myth-making about pedophiles in a pizza joint or (more radically still) the 909 people who, in 1978, committed suicide under the spell of American cult leader Jim Jones. Most cultish leaders are male – and followers are predominantly female. Didulo, as a female leader, is an outlier. Chalk one up for equality.

Smart people who study such things say that cult leaders appeal to vulnerable people – those who feel they have no personal power, purpose in life, or actual human friends. A charismatic leader offers acceptance, a clear set of beliefs and behaviors (no matter how unhinged those might be), and, further, relieves true believers from personal responsibility. Followers of cults go from being misfits in society to members of a cohesive culture with shared beliefs and agreements. They are no longer under pressure to make decisions – obedience to authority is liberating.

In 2021, Didula launched the Canada1st Party. The ‘platform’ calls for withdrawing the country from international agreements, among other arch-conservative principles and catchphrases – such as “Drain the Swamp.” Her website is a work in progress with unconnected links and captions such as “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer” (The universal gobbledegook that replaces actual words when people have nothing to say.) A more complete web page explains her background as an ‘orphan’ at age 15 who immigrated to Canada. But little is verifiable about her personal history. One thing that’s pretty complete on her website is the appeal for funds. All those links work fine, while others about policy and principle are dead links. But she seems to have command of social media related to fundraising from followers – some who’ve sent donations while skipping their mortgage payments, reading by candlelight, and donning insulated underwear.

But enough about the Canadian pretender! As Queen Laurentis, I promise you’ll never again have to fear the inevitability of death (although you will still have to pay your taxes). My proposition promises eternal life (such as I’ve enjoyed). Those of you negotiating the limits of the purely human lifetime can achieve immortality simply by making me the benefactor of your estate. With my personal blessing, I’ll intervene as your physical manifestation crosses the divide between death and everlasting life as an honorary Laurentian. Trust me.

Make your pledge today at www.whatcouldgowrong.biz . Full refunds given if you are not pleased with the final results. Lorem ipsum dolor sit.

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Thanks for spending your time with me – I appreciate your attention, your ‘Likes’, and your comments. Email me at Darby@darbypatterson.com! And, in case you wondered, I didn’t make up (most of) this column - You can check out Canada1st HERE –

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