Free to Give and to Receive
Simple, spontaneous Kindness
Trying to get a jump on spring planting, my husband and I ordered delivery of 20 bags packed with soil, each weighing 50 pounds. The truck driver used his front loader to drop the pallet onto the steep slope leading up to our backyard garden. Within two days, we'd either had an earthquake or a shift in the magnetic poles because the entire load tumbled down the slope and onto the street. My husband and I suited up (gloves, boots, and determination) and started hauling the bags up the slope to our garden. (Let me add that neither of us has the muscles or stamina we enjoyed ten years ago.)
Then, almost like apparitions, our part-time neighbors sauntered over from their vacation home and jumped in to help. Together (with Mary and me sharing single bags), her husband Mark, and my Randall, we got the job quickly done. No whacked backs or twisted hips. Their help was a gift. And that welcome event inspired me to look further into the attributes of random acts of kindness.
This past Veterans Day, I reported on a moment I still treasure – when a Vietnam vet gave me a pretty bracelet after I apologized for not having more cash to donate at his fundraising table. It was a random gift – for no reason other than to be kind to a stranger like me. I spent much of the day riding on a little cloud of gratitude. I wear that modest bracelet with its VFW emblem and poppies often – especially when I need to be reminded that people have the capacity to be good, thoughtful, and generous. Because we have nonstop feedback in each day's news highlighting our failings as human beings.
I have my own practice of spreading happy-making messages to strangers, and I know that unexpected acts can create a partnership of personal pleasure. The receiver is surprised and uplifted, and I feel happier. There is, of course, science behind the topic of kindness and how it's a two-way street – impacting both the person who delivers and the receiver.
Researchers at Emory University found that folks who help others experience a "helper's high" as reward centers in the brain light up. The feel-good chemicals serotonin and oxytocin surge with kindness and even boost our immune system.
I often look for opportunities to 'commit' random acts of kindness. Moments when I might interject something unexpected and (usually) welcome into a stranger's life. Like a busy checkout clerk - pressured, working hard, concentrating. A simple (sincere) compliment about her lovely earrings or his smile or their friendly nature is reciprocal. The clerk is momentarily lifted from work mode to a positive personal interaction. He or she feels a tickle of happiness that I also get to share.
Here's another example, sent to me by Laura, a friend and neighbor. Christmas season - she was seated in a booth at a Mel's Diner. She overheard parts of the conversation in the booth next to hers. Their words and sentiments touched her, and she was inspired to secretly pay their bill. She left before they had a chance to know their benefactor. "I really didn't want any thanks; just wanted them to be surprised and to have a gift," she says.
Of course, gifts of kindness are often free. We all have many opportunities to make someone's day a bit better. And we almost always remember when we are on the receiving end. My very well-traveled neighbor and friend, Frank, told me about his trip to Gessoplanea, Italy, where he and his wife we looking forward to a visit to a WWII museum that appeared in an online search but, alas, nowhere near as it appeared on the map. Frank approached three local men who quickly escorted them to what Frank describes as "a well-hidden shack." The helpful fellows gave them a 44-minute tour and a local history lecture. "Afterwards, to show our appreciation, we invited them to lunch, but they graciously declined, wished us well, and went on their way." A kindness that created a lifetime memory for a couple of lost American tourists.
My friend Karen says she is mindful of spreading cheer to some of our most abused and frustrated employees – Customer Service Representatives, who ordinarily hear nothing but complaints from frustrated callers. She makes a point of asking them how their day is going, tries to make the CSR laugh, and then sincerely thanks them for their help. "A CSR's job is tough," she says, "Think of all the cranky people they deal with every day. So, I like to think that my phone call will lighten their load."
It costs us nothing to plan moments like these when we are out and about. I remember a recent trip to our local supermarket when, while waiting in the checkout line, I listened to the clerk helping a particularly grumpy customer with the credit card machine. Frustrated, he snapped at her as if it was her fault the device wasn't responding for him, and, finally, he tossed a couple of twenties at her rather than accept her help. She reciprocated by thanking him, giving him a smile and his receipt. I was next in line. "Wow, that was pretty harsh," I said. She shrugged like it was 'everyday business.' And I complimented her on the patience and control she'd shown. "You really have a professional demeanor," I said. "You're a good role model for the rest of us." I got a big, sincere smile that left us both in a better mood.
I heard from other readers about similar, simple moments when they decided to interject a bit of positive into someone's life through an intentional interaction. The impact goes beyond the moment. We (the giver and receiver) get the release of dopamine, serotonin, and endogenous opioids (a good feeling produced inside cells and organisms rather than a high from something ingested).
Consciously putting intentional kindness into action creates a two-way street. Giver and receiver benefit, physically and mentally. And the opportunities are endless and absolutely free. A sincere comment, a simple act, an acknowledgment of someone's positive behavior – it's easy, fast, appreciated, and remembered. Nothing to lose and plenty to gain all around.
To quote someone who is a legend and a historical example of human kindness – Mother Theresa gave us this simple truth: "We cannot do great things on this earth, only small things with great love." Can I get an “Amen?”
Thanks for your time and thoughts. I’m hoping you’re inspired, surrounded by positive people, and looking forward with optimism. And thanks for your thoughts and input - suggestions and observations welcome at darby@darbypatterson.com .